Now I'm Always Smiling

"Sometimes shit don't work." Ben the singer from my band said that during a gig we played, and as simple of a statement that is it's very true.

Life is pretty much a big joke I've come to realize. I watch the news, and I pay attention to popular culture and popular music and it's all a big joke. We are becoming a parody of ourselves as a society and no one seems to care. I consider myself a serious person, and I care about what I believe are serious issues. I notice more and more that people by and large don't care to be serious. If you are a serious person you are considered a snob or an elitist, which I think is absolutley ridiculous. What is wrong about trying to take something you're passionate about seriously? Don't people have passions anymore?

I feel like 80% of the people I talk to anymore remind me of the Joker, but not in a cool joker way. People ask me why am I so serious, and that I take things too seriously, yet I don't believe in morals and the stupid hoopla that trick people into following the supposed norms of society and I'm all for chaos. These people who don't take thing seriously still want order and are against chaos even though they don't even seriously believe in the morals they follow. Does this make sense to anyone? Why does everyone try to have their cake and eat it to? I find myself being a mockery of something, what I'm a mockery of yet I don't know, but my way of life is definintely distancing myself from the rest of society.

I've also noticed that I tend to scare people off, maybe it's some subconscoius mechanism I enable without realizing to keep myself in the social dark?

It's strange that like people I consider my best friends I very rarely if ever see. When I meet someone I like if I don't blow it immediately I only usually ever the see person more than a few times and usually quite sparingly. What is my deal? That is what I'm trying to figure out.

My favorite band is a band most people have never heard of called King Crimson. Given the opportunity I would talk about Crimson forever, and I mentioned them and members of the band periodically in my entries. There is a song they wrote called "Epitaph" and I've even quoted the chorus lyrics in previous entries, but they are very strong and powerful words and I just keep finding myself going back to them. They sum how I feel about myself and about this world/reality right now. I think they are possible the best song lyrics I've ever heard and very poetic.

"The wall on which the prophets wrote
Is cracking at the seams.
Upon the instruments of death
The sunlight brightly gleams.
When every man is torn apart
With nightmares and with dreams,
Will no one lay the laurel wreath
As silence drowns the screams.

Between the iron gates of fate,
The seeds of time were sown,
And watered by the deeds of those
Who know and who are known;
Knowledge is a deadly friend
When no one sets the rules.
The fate of all mankind I see
Is in the hands of fools.

Confusion will be my epitaph.
As I crawl a cracked and broken path.
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh.
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying,
Yes I fear tomorrow I'll be crying."