Festivus

I had way too much coffee earlier tonite, and now fear I'll never get to bed. Pretty good Festivus except for the lousy weather, which caused the turnout for the Tonic Room show to be down tonight. I have no real complaints though, the show went alright. We did scare a few people out of the Tonic Room when we started playing, but that's rock 'n' roll.

Now back to Michigan...

The Holidaze

The older I get the more and more I don't care and don't really like Christmas. Christmas is just such a superficial time of year, when you're suppose to spend time with people you don't talk to all year. I just feel akward when I go "back home" anymore. I'm going home to Michigan for Christmas and I'm not looking foward to it at all!!

I was back in Michigan the last couple days, but thankfully my band has a show tomorrow night so I'm back in Chicago for the next couple days.

Am I the only one who can't for the 'holiday season' to be over?

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Doing nothing, stuck in the mud, just pumping the blood.
The water level's getting low, something ugly's going to show.

If only I could touch you, I guess you'd be alarmed.
If only I could touch you, I don't mean you no harm.

If only I could touch you, like the wind can touch the sail,
If only I could touch you, now that all my words have failed.
Flotsam still afloat,
Jetsam thrown out of the boat.

Music of the Decade

Since the decade is winding down to an end in a couple weeks, I've been thinking about all the good and bad music that was created over the past 10 years. This is my top ten albums list of the decade.

1. Tool - 10,000 Days
2. King Crimson - The Power To Believe
3. Saves The Day - Stay What You Are
4. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
5. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
6. Tool - Lateralus
7. Portugal. The Man - Censored Colors
8. Porcupine Tree - Fear Of A Blank Planet
9. Radiohead - Kid A
10. Rush - Snakes & Arrows

A to B

Against the run of the mill
Living out our dreams.
Life in a straight line from A to B
Is a mass production scheme.

As I've grown older I understand more
Of the only world that we see.
Perceptions I had only dreamed of,
Now change my idea of reality.

This spacious city that I live in
Still contains the same old me.
I'm no longer a boy searching for
The man I'm meant to be.

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Any fool can play something difficult,
Difficulty lies in what he does not play.
Lakeshore strolls on autumn days,
Endless thoughts eroding away.

Prismism

A Far Cry

One day I feel I'm on top of the world,
And the next day it's falling in on me.
One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,
And the next it's rolling over and I can't see.
But I feel I can get back on.

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit.
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it.

How many times do we wonder if it's even worth it?
There's got to be some other way,
To get through the day.

How many times do we swallow our ambition?
Long to give up the same old way,
And start over on the road as a traveling stray.

In the sweetest child there's a vicious streak.
In the strongest man there's a child so weak.
In the whole wide world there's no magical place.
So you might as well rise up and put on your bravest face.

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In the annuals of history it will be seen that we are living in the new Wild West. The Wild West of the 21st Century exists on computers and the pioneering is in technology.

Right now there are more bandits than sheriffs, but when the time comes when there are more technological sheriffs than bandits we will lose a little more freedom.

Just look at China. Enjoy the internet while you can, and sometimes bandits aren't always bad.

No One At The Bridge

Crying back to consciousness,
the coldness grips my skin.
The sky is pitching violently,
Drawn by shrieking winds.

Remembering when first I held
the wheel in my own hands,
I took the helm so eagerly
and sailed for distant lands.

But now the sea's too heavy.
And I just don't understand,
why must my crew desert me when I need a guiding hand?

Call out for direction
and there's no one there to steer.
Shout out for salvation
but there's no one there to hear.

I'm alone on my journey
and the focus is quite clear.
To survive the storm before me
and seek the light of the pier.

There's no one at the bridge
and now I confront my biggest fear.
I scream out desperation
but no one cares to hear.

A Farewell To Kings

I see the works of gifted hands
That grace this strange and wondrous land
I see the hand of man arise
With hungry mind and open eyes

We can walk our road together
If our goals are all the same.
We can run alone and free
If we pursue a different aim.

Moving Symmetry

Can existence be non-linear? It's just a thought. I have one more class tonight and then I've finished my first quarter of grad school at DePaul. I'm exhausted.

I never realized the lengths I'd have to go
to reach the darkest corners of the sense I didn't know.
Just for a moment I heard somebody call.
Look beyond the day at hand, there's nothing there at all.

Angular Motion

Pioneer To The Falls

I find myself taking walks at night anywhere between 2 to 4 a.m. Chicago is such a different city at that time of night.

I was walking down Pulaski the other night and a guy started talking to me, and I couldn't understand what he was saying. I finally understood he was telling me he had some "grass" and wanted to know if I wanted any. This man got quite upset when I said no, and I continued my walk. This guy followed me for almost two blocks afterwards until he finally got bored following me I guess.

I've been wondering lately if Ian Curtis exists in some plane somewhere? If Ian Curtis does exist somewhere what's he doing?

I think I'm starting to become more reclusive. I don't know if I fear it or embrace it. I haven't called friends back lately and I don't want to. I find interaction more and more of a burden lately. There aresome people though that I still enjoy interactiong with. I always get more reclusive in winter, and every year I tell myself I won't.

I've started writing a book. I don't know if anyone will ever read it, but I'm still writing it. The protaganist's name is Daniel Dust.

Meat

William S. Burroughs said, "Paranoids have all the answers."

I've been thinking about that quote a lately the past couple of days. I find the madness of it intriguing. Who knows maybe the crazy codger was right.

I've had some weird bouts of synchronicity or at least perceived synchronicity lately. It just makes the world seem like a smaller place.

Two weeks before my band plays at the Kinetic Playground for the Pixies aftershow, and I can't stop talking about it.

My perceived radicalism at DePaul I believe is helping me make more friends than enemies. I had my first real outing with people from the DePaul School of Public Service last night and it was a blast. Some really fun chaps. It was nice to go out and do something after class than just go back home like school is a job.

The Facts

Halloween has come to conclusion. Hello to the early november.

In a city of over three million people I feel alone.

I have black sharpie all over my arms and upper body, what a waste.

While I gain more vindication for what I want to achieve I lose focus.

I was Leonard Shelby for Halloween, and nobody knew who he was. I was quite surprised actually, and disappointed.

At DePaul I'm beginning to be perceived as an outspoken radical. Only time will tell how this will play out, but I won't compromise who I am for image.

The band is going good, and less than three weeks before we play the Pixies aftershow at the Kinetic Playground. If I didn't have music I don't know what I'd do.

Tiresias

When it's cold, it comes slow.
It is warm, just watch it grow.
All around me. It is here. It is now.

In season, out of season
What's the difference when you don't know the reason.
In one hand bread, the other a stone.

I have crossed between the poles, and to me there is no mystery.
Once a man like the sea I raged.
Once a woman like the earth I gave.
But there is in fact more earth than sea.

Squonk

If you don't stand up, you don't stand a chance.

Road Report

I was in a car accident earlier tonight, and it sucked.

All I can say is police reports suck, dealing with insurance companies suck, I feel like everthing sucks right now.

What started off as a great weekend on Friday by the end of tonight ended up being pretty fucking miserable.

"I am the one who guided you this far. All you know and all you feel. Nobody must know my name, for nobody would understand and you give what you fear... You're on your own until the end."

Blood On The Rooftops

Fall in Chicago has been a nostalgiac experience. It reminds me of going to school at Ferris State, and something a friend told me about fall three years ago.

He said,"Fall tis the season of Genesis."

So maybe fall tis the season of Genesis? I've been listening to the album "Wind & Wuthering" lately and the music of that album has just been fitting perfectly with fall in Chicago.

I've been getting more political lately. I really believe that grad school is making me better educated in monetary policy, which is making me feel more ready to go out and start stirring the political and social pot in this country.

Unique slumber for the sleepers...

... In that quiet earth.

The Ninth Wave

I use to drive the night towards my home, the place I was born on the lakeside.

I've since moved on to another town, and have tried hard to settle down.

If I could I would make a deal to live this day again, running up that hill..

It is so strange the way things turn.

I want more than this. Can I get what I want?

On The Way Home To Earth

I've had some interesting events occur lately.

I feel like I'm on the way home to Earth.

My band just got booked to play the aftershow party when the Pixies play at the Aragon next month, and I'm pretty stoked about it. Possibly the most important gig I've ever had if things go to plan.

I'm currently working on a group project for class, and it's trying to microfinance a bank in the Congo. We are working with/against one of my biggest enemies the World Bank.

I find it ironic that so many people have told me that I'm a radical or out of touch with political reality because I openly don't agree with and want to get rid of the World Bank and the Federal Reserve, but while those who criticize me and my political philosophy have no connection to politics or actually changing the world I am involved and will hopefully do some good.

The Drive To 2011 is very much alive.

Sheep

I look at all the grazing sheeple.

Drawing The Line

I was in Nashville this past weekend, which was an interesting experience.

My band played for record label executives at a band showcase, which was more fun that I thought it would be.

My band finally played the Metro this past Friday night, which was a great experience and exposure for us, but I digress.

I have spent probably 6 years of my life wondering where I as a musician and an individual fit into modern music. I have flirted with electronic music in the past, and have thought lately about either incorporating electronic drums and synths into my current band (which is now called No Exit) or starting an electronic side project. If a musician doesn't embrace technology that usually get left in the dust, and I have no intention on getting left behind in the musical landscape.

Along with wondering how I can survive as a modern musician, I've also felt the pressure of time on my available window to "succeed" as a musician trying to survive in the modern world. I'm 24 years old, and for most people that's a young age to be, but for a musician I'm an old man. So I feel I'm always working against the clock.

This past weekend playing both the Metro (biggest show of my career) and playing a showcase in Nashville, I've had all those thoughts about technology and age on my mind. Can I "make it" as a career musician before 24 and playing in a rock band?

All my opinions and assumptions are currently changing as I write. Over the past couple years I've become more and more of a fan of the band Porcupine Tree, which is kind of like England's answer to Tool and Radiohead and a return to album oriented experimental rock music. The new album by Porcupine Tree entitled "The Incident" is the freshest piece of music I've heard in years.

It is an empowering musical statement, and an artistic tool to show self-awareness. While there are some use of electronic music on the album, it is mainly just a well composed and arranged rock album full of progressive and experimental song elements. I think it's a beautiful album. To see such a fresh and creative album coming from a group of guys who are in their mid-40s who have a band have been around for 20 years, but only now getting commercial success makes me feel much better about my place and status in the music world.

The centerpiece of the 2 disc album is a 55 minute long song titled "The Incident" whcih is broken down into 14 parts and covers the entire first disc.

Steve Wilson who is the guitarist/lead vocalist/lead songwriter of Porcupine Tree wrote "The Incident" as a conceptual piece, and I really like the concept of the music. I wish more music had the depth and psychological awarenress as "The Incident."

"There was a sign saying ‘POLICE – INCIDENT’ and everyone was slowing down to rubber neck to see what had happened... Afterwards, it struck me that ‘incident’ is a very detached word for something so destructive and traumatic for the people involved.

And then I had the sensation that the spirit of someone that had died in the accident entered into my car and was sitting next to me. The irony of such a cold expression for such seismic events appealed to me, and I began to pick out other ‘incidents’ reported in the media and news,” continues Wilson.

“I wrote about the evacuation of teenage girls from a religious cult in Texas, a family terrorizing its neighbors, a body found floating in a river by some people on a fishing trip, and more. Each song is written in the first person and tries to humanize the detached media reportage.”

Good Morning Campers

"Discipline is not an end in itself, it's only a means to an end."

That is a quote on the back of one of my favorite if not my favorite album of all time being King Crimson's 1981 endeavour "Discipline."

I find the quote to be very finding and can easily be applied to many aspects of life. I've been on the road for much of the past couple months, which has given me time to see a lot of different places and people in America. I've been on a journey to find not only myself, but also try to find the essence of what America really is.

This journey I've summed up as The Drive To 2011, because I'm hoping to gain significant understanding of myself and also positively effect people by 2011.

The Drive To 2011 is doing much better now than it did a year ago when I first started it. I am very much enjoying my new house in Logan Square right off of Belmont, it's so spacious and a great find. I just grad school and after the first week I'm off to a pretty good start. I just received a scholarship from DePaul, which will make life a little bit easier financially. My band is doing well, and besides living together we are playing our biggest show this next Friday at The Metro, which is just a great opportunity for us as a band.

I'm making good progress, but nothing is good enough yet for me. Life is very much a ride, and I've just been sitting in my seat and enjoying as of late and I hope that continues.

Syracuse

Syracuse is apparently the second cloudiest city in America behind Seattle, and I believe it. I think all the clouds and dismal weather effect the people who live here.

It's a beautiful city, and the surrounding geography is amazing, but the people here are kind of strange and I'm still getting use to them.

I'm starting to build an interior architecture to give myself more intention and awareness, which is a concept I've been thinking of lately, and will discuss more once back in Chicago.

Terrestrial Commuter

I haven't blogged for some time now, which has mainly been because of my constant traveling. I'm getting a little road weary, but I only have one more big trip before my summer ends and I can settle down in Chicago and focus on school.

I am so pumped up about the house I'm renting with my band in Logan Square. It is a beautiful home, and a good enough neighborhood to make me feel safe (pretty hard to do).

Things seem to be going pretty good for me, I'm starting grad school, got a house with Chicago, the band is going well and can't wait to play Nashville next month.

The only problem I've had is being on the road has basically put my social life on like freeze frame, which has made me a little aggrevated and frustrated at not being in the city as much as I like, but I've pretty much already weathered the bulk of that storm.

I keep getting these almost synchronicitic conversations about Portland, Oregon. I think I might just have to travel there and see what all the fuss is about. Maybe this fall or winter I will go out to Portland for a week and scope it out.

Now I have to get back to packing my bags because I'm off to Syracuse for a couple weeks. Now I just need someone like Jack Kerouac or Paul Bowles to write about my road experiences.

Telling Tellers Tell Me

The way we describe our world shows how we think of our world.
How we think of our world governs how we interpret our world.
How we interpret our world directs how we participate in the world.
How we participate in the world shapes the world.

I just don't understand why money is so important to some people, while philosophy and trying to better ourself and the world isn't.

I had an altercation with the police the other day, apparently making music is against the law now. Even where there is no decibal volume/sound ordination curfew they will still bust up your musical endeavors.

I did party on a rooftop in Chicago the other day, and it was a lot of fun.

Now I'm just waiting to get back on the road and hit up Milwaukee and New York so I can make some bank before starting grad school and living life in Chicago the way I want to.

Entre Nous

Hope
One Word
Sanctuary


Dawn
The Noonward Race
Open Country Joy


Dream
Sapphire Bullets Of Pure Love
Awakening


Vital Transformation
Miles Beyond
You Know, You Know


I Wonder
Between Nothingness & Eternity
Resolution

Tour Dates

Well I'm finally home again after a couple weeks of traveling, and life seems to come to a hault when you're not on the road.

I've missed Chicago and can't wait to get back. I have place to crash/live now until September or until I find my own place first, which is fine with me right now. I haven't even seen the place yet, but I don't really care to be honest.

I have two gigs this week, one is on Tuesday with my side-project experimental/electronic band Furniture playing at a loft party which I think will be pretty cool. The other gig is Friday night headlining the Elbo Room with Ben Joyce, which if it's anything like the last time we played the Elbo Room will be a very very awesome show.

I'm finally going to start doing some serious traveling, which makes me happy, and I actually have a schedule now of where I'm going to be:

Milwaukee - The first two weeks in August selling fried veggies

Syracuse/Buffalo/NYC - The last week in August until Labor Day. Selling veggies and doing a drum clinic.

Nashville - The Third weekend in September playing a huge showcase for record executives with my band. Very excited!!! Can't wait to play Nashville

Hartford/Springfield MA - First weekend in October.

Mexico - Spring break next March

Brussels - Next June doing a public policy seminar at UN headquarters

Birmingham UK - I'm going to England whenever I have the time between now and next summer.

The Art Of Misplacing Cool

The last day and a half I've been pondering a topic I've never really thought that much about before: Attention.

The art of gaining attention I think is one of the hardest things one can possibly do in this world.

One works so hard to gain someone's attention, and it can be lost so fast. It is a constant uphill battle.

Being both a musician and single, the art of gaining attention is something I'm constantly working at for both professional and personal gain.

What makes attention hard is the aim of the attention. What kind of attention you're wanting to get is hard to achieve. As a musician I want attention for my band, but not in the form of like a horrible revue or something like it, so like attention can also be one of those things that you can regret sometimes as well.

I've also tried to get back into dating lately, and have had mixed results. I feel like I have a hard time getting someone's attention. It seems like I just bother people lately, I don't know what the deal is.

I was talking to a friend of mine about the topic of attention and told me my problem was i'm just being too neurotic about it and i'm misplacing cool. Of course if I'm misplacing cool then I had it to begin with right?

I'm sure it's not as doom and gloom as I pretend it is, but I feel like a baseball pitcher in a rut lately. I'm just waiting to get back on track with my fastball instead of throwing junk all the time. Why can't I keep people's attention? I've been told my three people in the past week that I'm a strange guy. Strange guy is not the kind of descriptive adjective I'd like to use when describing me.

I'm leaving tomorrow for South Bend, Indiana for a week so I hope is fun. I'm getting closer and closer to getting my own place in Chicago and I can't wait for the day that happens, and maybe that's just my problem is my housing situation is just driving me crazy right now.

I have made some travel plans and I'm going to Milwaukee in early August, New York in late August, and back to Massachusetts in October so I am kind of stoked to do some traveling again.

I told myself I wouldn't write blogs this long anymore, but today I couldn't help it.

Flotsam & Jetsam

Another weekend war gone and past.

Played at The Subterranean last night. The show went really well, and sounded great, but the only drawback was the crowd was not as large I had hoped. We did impress those we had not heard us before, and our friends who came out said it was definitely our best show as a band. All in all it was a good experience.

I worked like mad this Friday and Saturday, but made some bank which I'm still getting use to having a good chunk of change in my pocket again.

I was reading today Vampire Weekend is in the studio, and I can't wait to hear their new album which is suppose to come out this fall.

July is already here, and in the summer is in full bloom in Chicago. I'm hoping to be moving to Logan Square soon, but we'll see what happens. All you can expect is the unexpected.

"I need perspective."
- Peter Gabriel

Good Day Sunshine

I noticed I haven't blogged much lately. I've just been pretty busy lately with work and the band and other things.

I've very pumped for this Sunday, my band is headlining at The Subterranean in Wicker Park and is one of the biggest shows I'm going to play thus far in my career.

I had a long conversation with my dad today that went really well. We've been at total disagreement the last couple of months, and today we had a pretty cool conversation and I feel pretty good today.

I got my ID Card from DePaul University and I feel like a real graduate student now.

Off to work selling veggies for the next couple of days, and then back to Chicago on Sunday, it should be a fun weekend.

Travel Weary Carpricorn

Get your bearings, know the time.
Don't you worry, weather's gonna be fine.
All the world knows what I'm saying,
All the world knows what I'm saying,
When we all find out.

Get together, work it out.
Simplicity that's what it's all about.
All the world knows what I'm saying,
All the world knows what I'm saying,
So stand up and shout.

Intensional Logic

Pure as we begin
Pure as we come in
Pure as we begin
Pure by will alone

Pure as we begin
Here we have a stone
Gather, place, erase,
Shelter turned to home

Spark becomes a flame
Flame becomes a fire
Forge a blade to slay the stranger
Take whatever we desire

Pure as we begin
Move by will alone
Leave as we come in
Pure as light, return to one

Move by will alone

Never Be A Machine

I will never be a machine.
I will not feed the machine.
You just might be one, if you don't know what i mean.
I will never be a machine.

I will always follow my heart.
I always listen to the beating of my heart.
They want us all to think like a machine and fall apart.
But I will always follow my heart.

People are easy to control.
What has happened to us all?
The past is usually ignored, and the future I don't know.
Don't let them take away your soul.

I'm not so easy to control.
Don't be easy to control.
There's no point to be a sheep and live your life in that role.
Don't ever let them to tell you to lose hope.

Blonde Ambition

I was reminded today why I remained in Big Rapids after I graduated from Ferris State University. I wish I could go back and relive some of those moments.

I received a wedding invitation from one of my best friends in the world, who I also played in a band with for over two years. I couldn't be happier for my friend Josh and I wish him the best in all of his endeavours.

I also received a text today from my ex-roommate and also former bandmate who was my best friend up at Ferris and one of the best persons I've ever met who I haven't talked to since last Christmas.

I was also reminded today of another one of my best friends up at Ferris who has influenced me in a way he'll never know, he is just one of those people who personifies cool and one of the funniest guys I've ever met. My friend Brian is the reason I route for Ohio sports teams whenever playing Michigan teams. I remember the first time Brian ever did a power hour which was at my house with my roommate Kyle, which was a hell of a night. I also remember when Brian, my friend Ryan and I went to a crazy house party in Grand Rapids and was one of the more memorable experiences up at Ferris. Brian was one of the biggest and best fans of my band. I remember a gig we had at The Gate in January of 2008, and Brian came to the gig and was our biggest supporter there and after the gig we got a beer at the bar and I told him why I thought Barack would win the presidency and it was a great night and I Josh, Kyle, and Brian to thank for it.

I'm usually never nostalgiac, but I find myself thinking of the past right now and I really don't feel bad for flashbacking to days past.

When I was younger I use to dye my hair blonde, and I haven't done it in three years, but recently a couple of friends of mine have encouraged me to do it. I'm thinking about maybe dying my hair blonde again, but I don't know if I should do it or not.

So the question is to let my hair remain brown or dye my hair blonde?

This is a call to arms to live and love and sleep together. We could flood the streets with love with light with heat, whatever. Wave your hands make it rain, the stars will rise again.

Fun Sized

I got called something today that I've never been called in my life. I was called "fun sized." I know I'm not tall, and at 5'8'' I'm shorter than the average Amercian male, but fun sized really. I was told it was a compliment, but I wasn't too flattered.

I'm working this weekend at a monster truck rally, and all I can say about that experience is two things:

1. Only in America would people race lawn mowers.

2. Monster truck fans don't like fried vegetables.

Inductive Resonance

It is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering.

It is possible to suffer without achieving the aim.

Understanding changes what we understand.

A test of our understanding is whether we can apply it in practice.

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When we had no faces we turned to the bright sea.
We wished and heard voices, released our hands and feet, heartbeat.
This Yes, this is how we want it to be.
I say yes, this is how we want it to be.

So let us lead on, Yes, with the big sunshine in us.
Let me trust in your constant releasing of me.
Let the world commence dancing with peace.
This is how we want it to be, lets say yes, this is how we want it to be.

The Mind - The Most Useful Renewable Resource

Individually we can all bring about radical transformation of the mind and not accept things as they are, but to learn and understand and use our hearts and minds to explore the possibilities and logically conclude on everything it is we need to find out in our lives.

That is a way of living differently for most, but it depends on you and NOT somebody else to come to that decision.

There is no teacher, there is no pupil, there is no leader, there is no guru, there is no master, there is no savior.

You yourself are the teacher, are the pupil, are the leader, are the guru, are the master, and the savior.

To understand is to transform what is.

Enlightenment can feel so good.

Saved The Day

Thursday night I was homeless for a few hours, it was quite an interesting experience.

I don't have too many friends left, maybe it's time to make new friends?

Everytime I get down, or something that appears to be bad happens to me music is there to pick me up.

I am so lucky to have music in my life, and I'm even more lucky to be a musician. People can rip on me and say whatever they want about me as a person, but no one can ever take away my musical ability and the ability of happiness I can give through music. It is really quite the blessing to be an artist, I wish more people expressed their creativity through the arts.

I don't know what I ever did to receive the criticism I've gotten, but not only don't I think I deserve it I just don't give a shit that it exists.

I feel that the future is mine to be had and no one can stop me, though I'm sure many will try.

The World has a way of working itself out.

Music: Saves The Day - "Anywhere With You"

Expectation Is A Prison

I had been kind of bummed the past day and a half, but sometimes something as simple as an idea or sentence than help clarify things.

I was doing some meditation earlier and that was excatly what I needed to re-energize myself.

It hit me in the head like being blinded by truth and reason and I felt so dumb, expectation is a prison. My problem with myself as of late is I haven't been succeeding up to my own expectations.

The idea of expectations is pretty stupid. I have to let go of my expectations, which is difficult to be, but is a must at this point.

Robert Fripp once said, "When a musician believes that music is a commodity, music dies in them." I think that's what has kind of started to develop in me recently. I've grown so sick of the commercial music scene that I've started to view music as a commodity item, which it's hard not to. It's made music more and more difficult for me to enjoy, and I think part of that is also the expectations I have for myself in music because of my level of proficiency and where I think I should be. I just have to let all those ideas and thoughts go, and just be.

Clarity is a great thing to have if you can get it.

Fainting In Coils

I had a great start to the weekend with a very so-so ending.

Thursday I went to Wrigley Field for my first time this and had my best experience maybe ever at a Cubs game. Then Thursday night I was down in Ukranian Village and Wicker Park and really like it down there. I need to move to Wicker Park.

There are apparently a chain of convenient stores in Iowa called Kum & Go. I think that's pretty damn hilarious.

I saw Angels & Demons on Friday and that was kind of a yawn. It was better than The Da Vinci Code, but it was still just kind of blah.

I was taking a shower earlier today and was actually contemplating retiring from music or at least rock music, and I've never had thoughts like that before.

It seems pretty uncool to be a musician these days, it's much cooler if you're a no talent hack with no stage presence and limited or no musical ability who ascends to be be playing music.

I realize those seems like harsh words for which I apologize if I sound too much like a whining asshole, but at the same time the words are fairly accurate.

In the musician world I'm too experimental, too complicated, and not conventional enough to be accepted for my merits, and in the non-musician world I'm seen too much as a pretentious bastard who is too serious about his music to get any respect and aknowledgement from my peers. The amount of support I get from some friends is the only thing that really keeps me going anymore.

Mont Campbell is one of my favorite musicians from one of my favorite bands Egg. Mont retired from music at an early age which is why most people never heard of him or his music. He's a very talented musician, and a brilliant composer, but only had a short professional career. When asked why he retired so young he said because he was searching for praise for his music and he wasn't getting any.

A lack of praise is pretty much what I feel I'm receiving, but not that I'm looking for praise just some acknowledgement towards what I'm doing and trying to do. Of course if I did retire from music I don't know what the hell I would do with my life. Who knows maybe some things are best figured out on the fly.

Time To Pretend

I was talking to my mom earlier today and somehow we ended up talking about MGMT. I'm still wondering how the hell does my mom know who MGMT is? I guess it's just one of those weird surprises of life. Speaking of MGMT, I've been listening to them a lot lately and I think they might be the best new band out there in music. They are great musicians, but their lyrics are some of the best I've ever heard. Musically they remind me a lot of 80's Talking Heads, like the influence is definitely there and kudos to Andrew & Ben for bringing psychedelic music back to pop music.

I've been thinking about this lately and I think people get too caught up in their routines. Whether it's eating routines, work routines, drinking routines, sex routines, or whatever I think routines ruin whatever act it is your doing. Does anyone else think routines make life boring and dull? I meet so many people caught up in their various routines and it's like living in a voluntary prison.

I feel like Randall MacMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. It's like I've been confined to this loony bin, but everyone else is here voluntarily and I can't figure out why they volunteer to be here while I'm trying to break out.

I was talking to someone earlier who had a simliar living situation as me, and I feel a little better about myself finding other couch surfers out there. Is it just me or is it always the couch surfers and near bums who are always the best philosophers and have the best outlooks on life?

I'd rather live my life sleeping under the stars and living off the land than deal with the money machines and never ending strain of the plastic material world.

"Black tears, black smile, black credit cards and shoes
You can call all the people you want
But it's you who's being used..."

Learning Curve

I like surprises and this world is full of them.

Friday night I was a place called The Inconvience which is basically an illegal hipster bar. It's an artist collective in a giant loft on Lincoln just south of Belmont and they have all ages shows filled with music, performance art, and all kinds of things.

The people there were not ready for me. I tend to get associated to hipsters or get called a hipster by friends of mine, but the more I'm around these supposed "hipsters" I don't like the term. To be hipster has become a cool thing to be so a lot of young (and I'm also noticing more older people) are trying to act the part of being a hipster, but it's corrupting the term.

Hipsters are really just 21st century bohemians and carry the philosophy of the beats from the 1950s. To be a hipster has more to do with your personality and ideas than your image and people don't understand that.

I identity with the hipster movement because I understand where it comes from and agree with the ideas it's suppose to incorporate and stand for, but now all the marketing and commercialism of hipsters has ruined what it really is. You can pretty quickly tell the real ones from the fakers, and a lot of them are fakers. Not all of them obviously, but these so-called hipster should open up their hearts and minds a little bit more and try to understand the world better.

On another note, it's weird sometimes how things come together and weird in a good way. A few days before this past weekend I had it with the city of Chicago and about hated the place, and after this weekend those angered feelings are all gone and replaced with feelings of anxiety and a sense of discovery.

It's strange how sometimes you can meet someone, but not really know them and then be associated to that person for a while and then existential like circumstances which seem almost random can bring you to better know the person and connect. You never know who you might share common interests with and I've just felt lately that the mysteries of the universie are more mysterious than I previously believed.

I've become more and more of a fan of tye dye recently. Tye dye is probably the greatest thing the hippies gave the world.

I have a new trip I'm planning for now. This August I'm looking to go out to Portland and check it out to see if I like it and if I should consider settling down out there one day. While in Portland I think I'm going to go to Missoula, Montana, which is actually suppose to be a pretty 'hip' city (yes I used the word hip haha) for no other reason than it's the hometown of my favorite film maker David Lynch.

Smile Of A Waiting Man

Well the verdict came in today and I am accepted to DePaul University's School of Public Service to attend grad school starting this fall.

I was reminded of a great quote today when I was reading my acceptance e-mail from DePaul. "It is possible to suffer without achieving the aim," the quote is by Robert Fripp and serves me as a reality check sometimes.

I have been waiting a while to hear back from DePaul University about grad school and have been humming a song in my head for about a week now. It is probably my favorite song of all time by my favorite band King Crimson, and the subject of the song is man waiting to return home. I have always connected to songs about going home because I feel that I don't have one, so I'm constantly waiting to go home.

"I come back...come back
you see my return
my returning face is smiling
smile of a waiting man...
I be home soon soon soon
soon cry on your shoulder
your shoulder against my burning tears
tears of a waiting man...
one two three four one two three...
I wait every moment
I wait, wait for my chance
I wait for my friend to say
hello, you waiting man
feel no fret feel no fret feel no fret
you can wait and feel no fret
and so I wait so I wait so I wait so I wait
I return face is smiling
be home soon cry on your shoulder
tears of a waiting man
every moment wait for my chance
my friend say hello feel no fret
you can wait and I wait and I wait
and home I am..."
- Adrian Belew


Music: King Crimson "Waiting Man"

Starless...

Sundown dazzling day
Gold through my eyes
But my eyes turned within only see
Starless and Bible Black

Old friend guiding light
Cruel twisted smile
And the smile signals emptiness for me
Starless and Bible Black

Ice blue silver sky
Fades into grey
To a grey hope that all yearns to be
Starless and Bible Black

Transform faces change
Cats cunning shows
That in the end you may win but you lose
Starless and Bible Black

Prelude Of The Gulls: Scaling The Whales

I had to change the name of my blog again.

I had a lucid dream the other night on mushrooms in which I was at sea basically as like a Capt. Ahab type character and I was looking for my white whale. Then I had a similar dream to that again last night, in which I was on a boat at sea looking for a group of whales that I couldn't find.

Since having these dreams I've had this phrase in my head "Scaling The Whales." I feel I've reached the part of my Drive To 2011 where my journey has been distracted by my attempt to scale the whales.

I assume that the "whales" I'm looking to scale involve music. Even within that phrase the word scale has multiple meanings and music has scales, which only leads me to believe I'm looking for something with music.

I'm in the process of starting a new side project with one of my oldest friends and former bandmate from 5 years ago, which is a total departure of what I've been playing. I hope to get some our of music online very soon, it's all improvised and more electronic than about anything I've ever done. Our music is a mixture of King Crimson, MGMT, Animal Collective, and free-form jazz. We're thinking of naming the band name Weather. I like it, it's a very simple name and weather invokes all different kinds of mental images to people when said.

I had an interview at DePaul University earlier this week as part of their admissions process trying to get in there for grad school, and Dr. David Ehrlich who interviewed me said I exceeded all expectations he had after meeting me, and that he is recommending for DePaul's Public Policy Studies graduate program. So I'm pretty excited about that, and now I'm on the scholarship hunt. It'd be cool to be going to grad school this fall, and DePaul was my No.1 choice, so it's great that I got in there and now I just have to figure out everything else in my life.

Iambic Strays

Yesterday I had quite the experience. I had never taken psilocybin mushrooms before, but yesterday I had gotten my hands on some and it was quite the ride. I've taken LSD before and psilocybin is somewhat similar, but also quite a different kind of psychedelic experience than LSD.

Previously when tripping on LSD I would just listen to music or watch visually stimulating movies, but with mushrooms I decided to be more active and I played music for most of the experience with my friend Ryan, and even recorded some of the music I was playing.

I liked being able to create with tripping, I find that to be more productive than just the experience itself. Psilocybin made me feel differently than LSD does, probably because LSD is a more intense experience, and like you don't even have time to feel while on it.

LSD makes me very anti-social, where mushrooms made me want to be very social. I think I angered/annoyed quite a few people yesterday, because I just felt wanting to be social and "trip texted" a bunch of my friends who I don't think were amused by my comments and out right buggery. Regardless of what I did and felt the experience was great, and definitely worth doing again. Mushrooms are a more functionable experience than LSD is.

The psilocybin definitely influenced my style of drumming while playing, and made me play more primal and free-jazz like drums. The music sounded somewhat similar to Zach Hill, who is now one of my favorite drummers in modern music. Hill's style of music I think is the direction of music I'm heading into with my drumming.

David Lynch + Moby = Shot In The Back Of The Head

My favorite film director and American legend David Lynch has just directed the new music video for Moby's first single off his new album due this summer. I think it's a great video, and Moby's musical direction is kind of sounding to me like taking a lot of Thom Yorke influence.

Now I'm Always Smiling

"Sometimes shit don't work." Ben the singer from my band said that during a gig we played, and as simple of a statement that is it's very true.

Life is pretty much a big joke I've come to realize. I watch the news, and I pay attention to popular culture and popular music and it's all a big joke. We are becoming a parody of ourselves as a society and no one seems to care. I consider myself a serious person, and I care about what I believe are serious issues. I notice more and more that people by and large don't care to be serious. If you are a serious person you are considered a snob or an elitist, which I think is absolutley ridiculous. What is wrong about trying to take something you're passionate about seriously? Don't people have passions anymore?

I feel like 80% of the people I talk to anymore remind me of the Joker, but not in a cool joker way. People ask me why am I so serious, and that I take things too seriously, yet I don't believe in morals and the stupid hoopla that trick people into following the supposed norms of society and I'm all for chaos. These people who don't take thing seriously still want order and are against chaos even though they don't even seriously believe in the morals they follow. Does this make sense to anyone? Why does everyone try to have their cake and eat it to? I find myself being a mockery of something, what I'm a mockery of yet I don't know, but my way of life is definintely distancing myself from the rest of society.

I've also noticed that I tend to scare people off, maybe it's some subconscoius mechanism I enable without realizing to keep myself in the social dark?

It's strange that like people I consider my best friends I very rarely if ever see. When I meet someone I like if I don't blow it immediately I only usually ever the see person more than a few times and usually quite sparingly. What is my deal? That is what I'm trying to figure out.

My favorite band is a band most people have never heard of called King Crimson. Given the opportunity I would talk about Crimson forever, and I mentioned them and members of the band periodically in my entries. There is a song they wrote called "Epitaph" and I've even quoted the chorus lyrics in previous entries, but they are very strong and powerful words and I just keep finding myself going back to them. They sum how I feel about myself and about this world/reality right now. I think they are possible the best song lyrics I've ever heard and very poetic.

"The wall on which the prophets wrote
Is cracking at the seams.
Upon the instruments of death
The sunlight brightly gleams.
When every man is torn apart
With nightmares and with dreams,
Will no one lay the laurel wreath
As silence drowns the screams.

Between the iron gates of fate,
The seeds of time were sown,
And watered by the deeds of those
Who know and who are known;
Knowledge is a deadly friend
When no one sets the rules.
The fate of all mankind I see
Is in the hands of fools.

Confusion will be my epitaph.
As I crawl a cracked and broken path.
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh.
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying,
Yes I fear tomorrow I'll be crying."

David Lynch's A Goofy Movie

I find this video hilarious. It is Disney's A Goofy Movie if made by David Lynch.

Of Moons, Birds & Monsters

Friday:

I hung out with some friends, it was a pretty fun night. I attempted to expand my horizons Friday night and besides the usual of drinking alcohol (which included two of my favorite beers being 1. Framboise Lambic a delicious rasberry flavored belgian beer 2. Brother Thelonius a great brown style ale named after the one and only Thelonius Monk) I took some Adderall. Adderall is a crazy drug, which not only increased my cognitive ability and focused my concentration, but kept me up til 6 in the morning.

At the whims of the friends I was with we ended up going to Exedus II, which is a reggae bar and is predominantly black. I was one of like the only four white people in this place, which was packed. I even did something I very rarely do and broke it down on the dance floor and got a few looks from the brothers near me. I was out of my element.

Saturday:

I met up with a friend of mine down in Pilsen on the southside. I had never been to Pilson before, and it's actually a pretty cool place. I feel the southside gets a worse wrap than it deserves. I like hispanics, and Pilsen which is predominantly hispanic is an interesting area. I was at a apartment in Pilsen just hanging out, and one of the guys there who was from Chile and tripping on mushrooms suggested we go to a tequila party some friends he knew were having.

The group of people I was with went to the party, which was wild. They were guys doing tattoos in the kitchen and scarifications. If you don't know what a scarification is, picture a tattoo that is carved into you with no ink, kind of liked getting branded. It was a wild scene, and definitely different from the kind of parties I was use to. I think it was good for me to see the otherside of life something.

The tequila party was nothing but hispanic and blacks expect for me, I was literally the only white guy there, but nobody seemed to notice or care, which was really really cool. I felt like I fit in, which I don't usually feel when I party with white people.

Sunday:

I had a really boring Easter, probably because I don't celebrate the holiday so there's nothing to do.


To catch a monster
We make a movie
Set the tempo
And cut and cut its brains out
It will inspire on the burning pyre
Half the distance
Half the motion
Communication
It's easy as the ocean

Of Moons, Birds & Monsters

The Only Way

I've haven't had time to do much writing lately, but I've done some reading.

I've been reading lyrics by Greg Lake recently and have really taken to them. Greg seems to write alot about three subjects being the military industrial complex, organized religion, and tehcnology. Greg Lake is not a fan of any of the three.

He wrote a hymn about living for oneself and not falling for the rhetoric and lies of organized religion. I just love the irony of speaking against religion through a religious medium like a hymn. It's a great song, but I really find the lyrics inspiring.

The piece is called "The Only Way (Hymn)"

"People are stirred moved by the word.
Kneel at the shrine, deceived by the wine.
How was the earth conceived? Infinite space.
Is there such a place? You must believe in the human race.

Can you believe, God makes you breathe?
Why did he lose six million Jews?

Touched by the wings, fears angel brings.
Sad winter storm, grey autumn dawn.
Who looks on life itself, who lights your way?
Only you can say. How can you just obey?

Don't need the word, now that you've heard.
Don't be afraid: man is man made.
And when the hour comes, don't turn away.
Face the light of day, and do it your way.
It's the only way."
- Greg Lake

This Is Not 'Nam There Are Rules

Has the whole world gone crazy?

That is a question asked by the character Walter Sobchak played by John Goodman in the film The Big Lebowski. I find myself asking the same question.

I don't think there is anything wrong in rejecting society and rejecting the norms presented by society.

I don't like the term alternative lifestyle. What is it an alternative to? Being a greed oriented uninspired uncreative ignorant moron, well hell yes I want the alternative to that. Why are alternatives seen as bad or weird?

People need to become more open-minded and more accepting.

Ron Paul says America is ruled by Soft-Facism (aka Corporatism)and I tend to agree.

Confusion Will Be My Epitaph

The world can be full of surprises. When I was 17, I formed a band that radically changed my life at the time and made me look at the world in a new and different light. I formed that band with a guitarist a couple years my younger, who was the Neal Cassidy to my Jack Kerouac. I revisited the past today.

Ryan who was the guitarist in the band, or as I refered to it as musical institution, that is (IN)Discipline showed up at my house today. Ryan is such an interesting character. First of all he's a brilliant musician, and just a phenomenally creative individual. Secondly I've never met anyone like him. Since (IN)Discipline broke up in 2004 Ryan lived a couple of years in Driggs, Idaho, followed by a stint in Little Rock, Arkansas and now is back in Michigan/Chicago area.

Ryan has more crazy stories than I do, and he has all the crazy stories I want. He came to me today with the intention of maybe forming a band. Right now it's all in talk and prepartion phase, but I already feel like it is going to happen and be bigger than when we use to play together. People always told us that we were ahead of our time, and we pretty much were. Now the experimental progressive music we use to play 6 years ago is much more acceptable and popular today.

What we don't have is a rest of the band, but we both have ideas of individuals to fill in the gaps. Now for me the question is do I want to bring back the monster that is (IN)Discipline or whatever we name we give the group? How would this effect the rest of my life right now? Will we be able to get gigs? I was all set for grad school this fall, and I'm playing in a band right now, but for the chance to be in an active band with Ryan again I would probably be willing to change the course I'm going in.

Now I'm afraid if I get too comfortable in Chicago that I could miss this musical opportunity, which is the creative outlet I've been waiting for.

Playing with Ryan would allow me incorporate my electronic drums and bass pedal synthesizer and all this equipment I have that I can't use because of the current music I play. With Ryan and me the rules are simple just be creative and don't think about what you're doing and you'll be fine.

It's funny that I originally planned on blogging on a totally different subject and this is how it turned out.

Capture The Flag

I co-founded the band American Flag over 2 1/2 and now almost three years ago, and now after all the work, sweat, blood, fun, traveling, loudness, and creativity that ride has been put on hiatus.

I had a long conversation with Josh, one of my best friends who also happens to be the singer/guitarist/keyboardist in A. FLag, and it dawned on me yesterday that A. Flag isn't going to be active anytime soon.

Sure we haven't played together since November, and people have been asking me for months when are we going to play next and what we are up to and I'm left to just answer "uhhh."

American Flag is on permanent hiatus for the time being. I hope sometime in the future we will raise Flag again, but Flag has been lowered for all intensive purposes.

Josh is playing with an electronic group now called Garganta and I wish them luck and hope they have a lot of success and can ride the electronic music gravy train.

I had a friend tell me once that he thought American Flag's music reminded him of Animal Collective, and I never understood until yesterday how much of a compliment that really was.

I've been listening to a lot of Animal Collective, Crystal Castles, and Martin Dosh recently and I'm starting to like all of those acts respectively. I'm really taken with the work of Martin Dosh who has his own band Dosh and also drums for Andrew Bird.

I kind of feel like I'm going through a divorce. A. Flag hasn't been active for months now, but it felt like a separation not a divorce, and now I'm realizing that separation has become a divorce. I'm kind of down not now in realizing all this, I thought I'd grow old with this band, but now I have to look to the future, and hopefully like my favorite band King Crimson who has been on hiatus numerous times only to return American Flag will do the same.

I'm thinking more and more of starting my own band, but I don't know what kind of band I want to form. Something Avant Garde? Maybe Jazz? How about Funk? Acoustic/Electronic Hybrid? World Fusion? I guess I'll just buy a ticket and take the ride and see what happens.

Music: Dosh - "Capture The Flag"

Tuesdays With Ben

I've had a mixed past 24 hours. The condo in Edgewater that my friend Mike and I thought we'd be moving into for sure we didn't get, and was given to a young family because they had a baby so they were given priority. Just another reason to hate children.

My band is playing a showcase show in April now that will be hosted by the once popular Mancow Muller. I didn't know Mancow was still around, but he still is apparently and he will be our MC and introducing my band to the audience at the show. I am not a fan of Mancow so I don't really care, but I find it funny to play a show hosted by the once famous DJ.

I got into a very serious conversation almost turned argument over what it is to be Avant Garde. I find it those who don't like avant garde have no way to define and in turn only don't like a concept they can't understand. It has brought the question to my mind of what is it to be Avant Garde? Any takers have any definitions/ideas?

I'm thinking about starting my own jazz/funk/experimental band. I like being accessible and playing pop/rock music, and playing shows to big crowds who dig the music, but I really enjoy music that it more creative and rather break boundaries than appeal to fans. Now the problem is finding musicians who want to be in a band whose focus is on making creative and interesting music and not necessarily interested in making music the majority of people want to hear.

The bar Simon's is really starting to grow on me.

I'm feeling kind of hipster today, think I'll head over to Wicker Park decked out in Ben Sherman.

Success

I got accepted into grad school this weekend. I found a place in Edgewater than I'm about 98% sure I'm going to move to and I might have a real job by the end of the week. Finally some success.

This Is My Nightmare

"Houses iced in whitewash guard a pale shore-line
Cornered by the cactus and the pine.
Here I wander where sweet sage and strange herbs grow
Down a sun-baked crumpled stony road.

Dusty wheels leaning rusting in the sun;
Snuff brown walls where Spanish lizards run.
Here I'm shadowed by a dragon fig tree's fan
Ringed by ants and musing over man."


Another weekend come and gone. I took a large dose of tramadol last night and then drank some beer which did not make a good result. I can't say I'd recommend what I did to most people.

I almost had some Psilocybin Mushrooms this weekend, but it didn't happen and I'm not disappointed really. I wasn't in the right mental framework to have a psyedelic experience right now.

I had a friend of mine refer to me as a writer. That was quite comforting since I usually refer to myself as a wanna be writer, and he said to me that I am a writer and not a wanna be.

I've had some strange days recently, but in a good and not in a bad way.

I suggest the movie "The Go-Getter" to anyone looking for something different to watch, it is an interesting film.

World's Are Colliding

Fuck it dude, lets go bowling! That seems to be my answer to all of the problems of life anymore. St. Patrick's Day is always a strange time of year for me, it's almost like my new years because I remember what I do on this day very well and always find myself comparing the me of now to the me of 1, 2, or 3 years ago.

I canceled my trip out west, it's just not the right time for that. I'm trying to be selfless, and a few of my friends are doing really well despite the economy and everything else going on, and I feel very good for them. If it I dwell on it for too long though I start to think of myself and twist and warp into selfish thinking about when am I going to strike gold again. Sometimes I wish I could permanently remove some of the thoughts that wonder into my head. Maybe Chicago isn't the answer for me, or maybe it's just the lock to the key that opens the door to my answer.

I connect more and more with the wanderers of life. Maybe my problem is I'm trying to settle down, but I'm just not the person to do that. When I was depressed last year it was for the same reason, but I wasn't settled down in Chicago I was stuck up in northern Michigan. Maybe location isn't the answer, but the process of living. I'm thinking about taking a trip up north it could help me alleviate some thoughts and feelings about things. I wish I had a travel companion. I've always wanted to go to Tangiers and India and all these mystique places, but I don't want to go there alone. It might be time to give up the single life for at least a while and test the waters not dared spoken of. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but I do love a great adventure and even better a great challenge.

What If Psychoactive Drugs Explained Religion?

I have recently come to a theory that some may find absurd, but I think could explain a lot for discovering truth about ourselves and help progress society.

I have been researching the brain, and more specifically the effects of psychoactive drugs on the brain. One reason psychoactive drugs have an effect on us is because psychoactive chemicals/drugs simply synthesize neurotransmitters that our brains already have in them. Psychoactive drugs like LSD, Peyote, Psilocybin, and Cannibis intensify neurotransmitters to neurorecepters in the right temporal lobe of the brain. It's the temporal lobe of the brain we use to be able to identify the 'self' as well as our 5 senses. Intense signals sent to the temporal lobe cause a change in consciousness because consciousness is created by the electrical pulse sent from transmitters to recepters in the brain, and so by changing the amount of pulses sent from transmitters to recepters changes ones consciousness. That is a pretty radical thought that our consciousness is changed by taking chemicals that in the case of dopamine or seratoin are already made and found in the body.

Here's where it gets fun:

76% of people given LSD or Peyote for scientific testing identify feeling the presence of someone or something else next to them. The presence is always described based on culture. When LSD or Peyote is given to Native Americans they claim to see/feel spirits and other animistic mystical beings. When given to Roman Catholics, catholics claim they see, talk to, or feel the Virgin Mary. When given to Protestants they claim to feel the presence of God. What's interesting is LSD and Peyote only intensify signals to neurorecpters that already exist in the brain, so one could have a mystical or religious experience without drugs and believe that they are feeling the presence of God or some other mystical force. By giving people psychoactive it intensifys the receptors that identify the 'self' and thus greatly increase in identifying a 'self' that is not us, but we feel such as feeling the presence of God. The reason for that is, when our consciousness is changed by chemicals in our brains it alters our state of mind and state of being, so our senses become much more sensitve and colors seem more vivid and music seems to come alive, and that allows applies to the sense of 'self' and we expand our feeling of self and as scientists say "kill the ego" and most people believe they feel another presence besides their own.

If you tell religious people that you can emulate a religious experience through psychoactive drugs, and your religious experiences were caused by a change of chemicals in your brain and not by some supernatural power what would people do? Governments make psychoactive drugs illegal because they can positively shed new light on old world beliefs and would us progressively improve society. LSD explains the reason why religion exists. The belief in God is a feeling of another presence that a lot, but not all people get from time to time because of nature chemical changes in their brains, and drugs only amplify those changes and cause what people call religious experiences to be sees and felt as real by those who takes the drugs. People will naturally get experiences feeling more than oneself and depending on your culture will explain how you identify it. So if religious people feel another presence they explain it as being God or whatever spiritual entity they choose because religion is part of their culture, and they don't understand what is actually going on in the brain.

When I've taken LSD I definitely felt a presence existed in close proximity to me that was not my self. I definitely feel that what I felt is what religious people would call the presence of God, but I know it wasn't God it was just a change of my consciousness. I actually think that feeling of another self that people get is connecting to the collective sub-conscious that exists all around us, but we can't normally tap into because our brains can't focus intensely enough on those electro-magnetic forces that surround us that is the collective sub-conscious.

Some more interesting facts about LSD:

Some studies in the 1950s that used LSD to treat alcoholism professed a 50% success rate, five times higher than estimates near 10% for Alcoholics Annonymous

Albert Hoffman who first synthesized LSD did studys showing that the drug helped reduce migraine headaches, could be used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder due to LSD's stimulation of the 5-HT2A recepters in the brain, and when given to schizophrenics it had positive effects of stabalizing a person diagnosed with schizophrenia because of the drug's ability to facilitate relief of various emotional episodes.

I believe LSD and most psychoactive are illegal because the government does not want people to be altering their state of mind and purposely changing their conscious because it makes manipulation and control of the masses much harder. In fact most governments use drugs as a way to control their populations by regulating drugs, hence the war on drugs and why 50% of people in prison are in prison for violentless crimes. In the 1980's the World Health Organization thought about putting valium in public water supplies with the idea that it would decrease violence, luckily it didn't happen, but an interesting fact about LSD is the government gave LSD to unknowing participants to see what would happen and it's from those experiments that came the idea that LSD can cause you to go insane, which is non-sense. LSD has no more of a permanent effect on the brain than that of caffeine, but people are told opposite and it's the continued manipulation of the American people by the U.S. government.

Ever notice that drugs that are bad for you are legal (alcohol, nicotine, prescription drugs) but drugs that don't potentially harm you at all and can help open minds and hearts to new possibilites and new beginnings are illegal (LSD, Peyote, Psilocybin, Jimsonweed, DMT) and not only illegal but seen as very dangerous.

I Could Have Died Last Night

So I went out last night with some friends of mine who I haven't seen in quite a while. We went to the usual waterhole we use to patron when we saw more of each other in years past. I ordered a Sam Adams draft a couple beers into the night, and to my shock there was a prize at the bottle of my beer glass, which was pieces of jagged glass. The initial reaction from me and my friends was that of horror. I didn't notice the glass at all until I got to the bottom of my beer, and saw pieces of something which kind of looked like ice, but on closer inspection was actually jagged glass. My friends are yelling lawsuit! lawsuit! while I'm demanding satisfaction from the manager of the establishment. I get apologies from three different people who work there who claim to be sorry, but you know aren't because they really don't care as long as they don't get fired and my bar tab was free, but I was still really ticked off. I could/would have easily died if i swallowed any of that glass (they were big and sharp pieces, not like little tiny particles), and when my friend says to the manager you have to be more careful if want to avoid potential lawsuits and negligence is not an excuse for bodily harm, the manager's simply reply was, "That's why we have great lawyers." The simple fact that the guy was a jackass about it and showed no emotions or sympathy towards the situation just infuriated me. So it was quickly decided to go elsewhere.

I was initially hoping that maybe someone was trying to kill me, but putting jagged glass in my drink. It would sure spice up my life and make things more interesting, but oh well.

At multiple friends requests I saw the movie Watchmen today, and I have to admit it was much better than I thought it would be. I stopped reading comic books like a decade ago, and besides the Dark Knight I don't care about the hype for comic book movies, but I have some friends who were fans of Watchmen and told me it was up my alley and I have to agree. The characters have real depth to them, and it is very well written. Some of the effects I found cheesey and could have done without and I might have done the casting differently, but the story it tells is pretty good. I would recommend it to anyone who likes films that make them think (which I think a good film should do). As far as Watchmen goes, I think for the sci-fi/comic book/super hero world it probably had the most relatable characters I've ever seen in that genre before.

Now it's raining out, with tornado warnings and I feel ill.

Savage Adventures in Chicago

I feel at my most Kerouac today. I'm at the apple store bored out of my mind right now, feeling like a true traveler and permanent wanderer. I think its time to head north to Lincoln Square. It is a beautiful day, and hopefully an adventurous evening.

Here's To The State Of Rick Warren (Lyrics)

"Here's to the churches of Rick Warren.
For underneath his pews the devil draws no line.
He's not a friend of civil rights and he ain't no friend of mine.
The fat covering his heart, covers a hate that he can't hide.
The calendar is fooled, when it states the christian time.
Here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Rick Warren find yourself another country to be part of.

Here's to the economy of Tim Geithner.
Where the dollar means nothing, and its value is even less.
Those who want fiscal reform are just seen as a pest.
Deficits are mounting into a larger and larger mess.
Where banks control everything is what Timmy believes is best.
Here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Tim Geithner find yourself another country to be part of.

Here's to the laws of Eric Holder.
We're a nation of cowards is what he has to say.
He's a supporter of equal rights unless you're white or gay.
Look at what they did in California, they won and got their way.
But you can't stop freedom, we will get equal rights in the USA.
Here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Eric Holder find yourself another country to be part of.

Here's to the government of Sarah Palin.
In the swamp of her bureaucracy there's always bogging down.
She doesn't care for democracy, she wants to be fitted with a crown.
She's an imposter with no values and better not to make a sound,
Because the speeches of Gov. Palin are the ravings of a clown.
Here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Sarah Palin find yourself another country to be part of.

Here's to the public schools of Nancy Pelosi.
Where they're teaching all the children they don't have to care.
The seeds of ignorance are present everywhere.
Every single classroom is a factory of despair.
Nobody's learning such a foreign word as fair.
Here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Nancy Pelosi find yourself another country to be part of.

Here's to the state of Rick Warren.
Where you descriminate against people just because they're gay.
You use morals to justify the hateful things you say.
Turning America into a christian theocracy you think is ok.
When church is separated from state, your reign of tyranny will end on that day.
Here's to the land you've torn out the heart of,
Rick Warren find yourself another countryto be part of."

- William Covert

Riding The Storm Out

It was raining today, such weird weather.

If there's one thing I've learned in my life it's the more people involved in ordering a pizza the more impossible it is to order a pizza.

How is it that religious people are always the victims while they are also the persecuters?

The Rise And Fall Of Indie

I can't take it anymore. The word indie has been so altered from what it means so much, that I just can't take it anymore. Indie was originally used in music as in Independent and non-major lable music. DIY or Do It Yourself, that is what indie is meant to be. Then indie got applied to books and film, and I have no problem with that because there are independent films and independently published books so it still fits in the mantra and philosophy of Do It Yourself and being anti-major distrubution.

What I can't stand is when someone says I'm indie. What does that mean? What are you independent of or from? Isn't everybody indie then? Maybe it's some kind of counter-culture thing to say and be and the non-conformists are indie, but when law students and business majors call themselves indie and they act no different than the trendy want to be philosopher who uses "hip" words and acts anti-social and works at Belmont Army then who is indie? I think the term was been used way past its means, and indie needs to go back to what it means and refers to which is art.

People are not indie. Clothes are not indie. Just because your tight jeans and v-neck looks really cool and "hipster", guess what it's made in china and bangladesh and it's not indie! If you like to go to major brand stores and national chain businesses like Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, American Apparel, Borders you are not indie! You want to be indie, then do it yourself. Make your own damn clothes, or at least design them and get them custom made, then I would say you have a better grasp on what it means to be indie. As a musician who makes independent music all I can say is that most people would not survive trying to do everything yourself. I've designed my own shirts, recorded my own music, designed and distributed my own albums, booked my own shows, and it's hard work. It's not easy to have a DIY ethic, and I see all these people who claim to be indie when they don't even know what it means to be indie. Even having said and done that I still don't consider myself indie. I considered myself an independent musician because I play indie music and have a DIY ethic, but as a person I'm not indie.

It seems everyone is indie anymore. Why can't people be themselves. No one is naturally indie, because indie is not a term that describes people, it describes art. Indie music, and indie films became marketable so then people have a desire to be like those who make indie music and indie films and indie books and then people start calling themselves indie, but when people say they're indie all they are doing is vicariously living through someone else and someone else's art really.

If someone really is indie, or what it indie means as being independent and having a Do It Yourself attitude then someone who is independent wouldn't label themself as such and thus categorizing who they are. It's a contradiction to call yourself indie. It's like using the term freedom fighter, it's an oxymoron, it doesn't make any sense and doesn't have any relevance being used in society.

I will still use indie to describe independent music, film, design, and books, but I just wish people would stop describing themselves as indie, because no one is. The term has been bastardized, and it makes me sad because indie is kind of like emo now where so many different people use it in different contexts that no one knows or can define what it means anymore. I don't blame the people who use the word indie for ruining it, I blame the capitalist blood-suckers who marketed indie and made it trendy to the masses.

Marketing and capitalism ruins everything eventually.

Isn't Jazz Improv Lovely

I've been arguing on behalf of jazz for years now, and I know I will continue to argue for it. There are two groups of people I argue with over jazz. Those who hate jazz and just don't like it at all. Those who are jazz snobs and so-called "purists." They think jazz shouldn't have evolved past swing, but gladly it did.

I found a real gem of a video on youtube. It's my favorite jazz band the Mahavishnu Orchestra playing at the Montreaux Jazz Festival in 1984. What's great is the band's use of improv. The gem in the video starts at the 4 and 1/2 minute mark. While in an improvised jam John Mclaughlin comes across the melody to Stevie Wonder's Isn't She Lovely on guitar and the jam then changes to the song Isn't She Lovely with everything figuring it while they're playing it. It's pure brilliance and just great jazz playing. Watching it makes me want to play live right now.

Fat Of The Land (A Short Short Story)

You wake up to sweat beading on your brow and sun beating on your face. You are laying in a ditch and your body ached and felt numb. You just look up at the sky, contemplating the real questions of life. Why didn't I fuck a teacher in college? Why did I ever bother voting? Why didn't anyone ever give me better advice? Why should I have to pay for my parents funeral?

You stand up and try to think more deeply about the situation you're in, but you can't because your head is throbbing now. You walk to the road and see not a soul in sight. You walk across the road into a field, your color is green. You have an elegance about you as you walk through the field. You feel more alive than you have in a very long time. It almost feels like a gift, but you know it's not and you wonder who else is there.

You get near to the edge of the field where it meets the woods. You look down at your feet and they are covered in mud, now your color is brown. At the end of the field there is a river that cuts into the woods. You look into the murky waters, and feel scared. You should be. You start following the river north, you don't care where north leads to, you just want to get north of where you are.

You make your way through the foliage of the woods following the river moving very slowly like a giant sloth through the Brazilian jungle. You feel sensitive to your surroundings, and you feeling like damning the world for doing this to you. You are a human being now forced to wander through a decidous forest looking for something you can't find and you don't know what it is anyway. There's a clearing in the woods like a sanctuary elephants migrate to in the fierce African jungle of the Congo. The clearing looks so familiar, you've been here before.

Now it's starting to get dark and you don't have much time to get yourself out of this city of forestry. That's when it happens. Thrak! Thwck! You go down to the muddy ground next to the river. Your head is just absorbed with instant pain. You've been struck in the head. You can taste blood and dirt in your mouth. Now red is your color.

Your eyes instantly become very heavy and you become very tired. Your eyes hurt too much to open. You don't see your surroundings, but you hear voices. There are people next to you, they sound distorted to your ringing ears. You can make out the pitches of the voices, but the words you can't. Are they Angels or Demons you think to yourself. You know what they are. They are the ones who did this to you.

They are the consumers of life. They are the fat of the land. They can't understand beauty in the world, so they rape and pilage their way through life. They are the consumers, they are the financers, they are the fanatics, they are the controlled. You think to yourself, Why can't people leave me alone? What did I ever do to deserve this? It is no matter now, you feel the presence of doom as you lay there bleeding. You're just another victim in a world of institutions and madmen. Christianity through all its proclamations, can't and won't stop your suffering. Everything gets silent, and your body becomes tense. Your conscious fades. Now black is your color.

You wake up to sweat beading on your brow and sun beating on your face. You are laying in a ditch and your body ached and felt numb. You just look up at the sky, contemplating the real questions of life...

The Green Fairy (Slight Return)

What do you do when it's snowing out in Michigan in the dead of winter? I solved that question for today at least.

I saw the movie The International today. I don't watch too many films in theaters anymore, but that film is absolutley brilliant. I was gitty halfway through the movie, it is so good and I recommend it to anyone who appreciates or even thinks they might appreciate good cinema. The story is awesome, Clive Owen is great in it, Naomi Watts is spectacular, and the villian is an international bank so yeah the movie has everything.

Then for the second day in a row I drank Absinthe today. I wanted to see if yesterday was a fluke with not hallucinating, but it was to no avail tonite either. I did get an alright buzz though, which prompted some friends and I to grace our most famous bar in town the stupidly titled Stray Dog, or as we call it the Gay Dog because of all the old queens who patron the lakefront establishment. As usual the music there was garbage and produced a large amount of sensory depraving noise pollution, which caused me to be a bit surly, but not as surly as my counterparts who seemed to be possessed by some drunken spell laced with confused anecdotes and analytical preaching. We got to the bar pretty late because it wasn't originally in our plans, but was a whim decision to go out because of my non-sensical encouragement to get weird, go act like savages, and get kicked out of a bar. My friends I was out with tonite are remains from a once great social society we called "The Too Much Fun Club" and tonite we tried to live up that name. Once there we ruled the bar, and ordered drink after drink not bothered or even phased by the amount of glasses in front of us. It was like the good ole days, when fun was cheap and excitement and energy was everything. My friends told me for some reason they always feel excited when they go out with me, perhaps it's my indulgence for being spontaneous and free. My friend Chris said I was most entertaining person he's ever gone out drinking with, and told me I had a wild spirit that many wish they could have, but most can never achieve. I hadn't received a compliment like that in a long time, it was nice.

But everything ends, and so did tonite. I think I finally found a place to live on the edge of Humboldt Park really close to Wicker Park. It's a pretty cool looking place, I think it's the proverbal one.

"Morality is temporary, wisdom is permanent."
- Hunter S. Thompson

What Is A Boy To Do?

I'm really drunk right now, but I've had no hallucinations, ugh. I've been drinking Absinthe all day now and I didn't have any hallucinations that it is famous for. If I wanted to get drunk I just would have drank bourbon. I feel disappointed. Absinthe is bullshit. I thought it tasted really really bad. It reminded me of bacardi 151. I suggest not drinking absinthe, it's not the drink it's advertised to be. I did eat quite a bit of sugar cubes today, ate some delicious home-made gyros, and watched the movie Factory Girl which I give two thumbs up and really liked Guy Pearce's portrayal of Andy Warhol. So today was an alright day.

The Green Fairy

I've been drinking Absinthe now for a few hours, and I'm out of my mind. I've never had Absinthe before and a friend of mine wanted to do it because it's legal in the states now so you can buy it at liquor stores for a hefty price, so here I am. I haven't had any hallucinations yet, but I'm very drunk. The stuff is 138 proof alcohol, so yeah it's pretty wild, I'm channeling my inner wildman. Cheers!

It Never Got Weird Enough For Me

I can't remember the last time I've been so exhausted from seemingly not doing that much! I've been in overdrive and have done nothing lately, but apply for jobs and get focused in on grad school. Applying to grad school is so unbelievably boring and requesting transcripts is a goddam pain in the ass. These colleges act like transcripts are classified government documents that must never see the light of day. Even though I've been at my computer today longer than any day in my recent memory, I feel pretty accomplished and content right now. Now comes the waiting game.

I watched a great documentary earlier about the life and times of Hunter S. Thompson. The older I get the more and more I like the fellow, I think Thompson was a real visionary as a writer and patriot. It's too bad he blew his brains out because of George Bush. I love the conspiracy theories around online that Thompson didn't actually shot himself over his distraught feelings with the Bush administration, but was killed by the Bush administration for claiming 9/11 was an inside job on national television to Tim Russert. I heard online an audio recording of Thompson on the phone the day before he died yelling at a friend how they're going to make it look like a suicide and he needs someone to help him, but of course with Thompson you never really know what he was saying.

I think I'm going to play some drums, listen to some jazz, and drink a cold one; in that order.

I hate myself sometimes. With everyday that passes more and more I want to be a writer, and I was offered a job as a journalist, but turned it down. Sure the pay was lousy at only $20 per article, and was for a magazine no one ever heard of, and was in New York, but would a real writer have turned it down. That's the dilemma I'm dealing with, I suddenly became a capitalist and let money keep me from doing something that I wanted to do. Of course I also didn't feel it was in my place to critique someone else's music and write about it.
Ugh, how many more chances will I get at redemption.

As Hunter Thompson would say "Football season is over."

Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Mountain

Eric Holder the first African American Attorney General today stated that America is a country of cowards when it comes to race. I strongly disagree with Eric Holder, if America was a country of racial cowards, he wouldn't be attorney general because Barry Obama would not be president. I literally just saw that on CNN 10 seconds and say something about it.

Anyway...

I am not happy with what the government is doing in regards to almost everything.

Obama was elected to bring change and I still wish him the best, but Tim Geithner is a piece of Wall Street Shit. He is a liar and a wolf. Geithner was formally the head of the New York Fed, and is part of the business machine that caused this recession and I'm leaning towards calling it a depression. Geithner should be fired immediately, and I question Obama's commitment to change by appointing him. Geithner is the federal reserve and the banking powers bitch boy, and he'll come crawling to suck their slime anytime they tell him to. I can't wait for the sequels to the bailout that Geithner is already suggesting.

I think the Bailouts are a huge mistake. The stimulus package is costing almost $800 Billion, this money is getting created out of thin air. Who is really benefiting from all this? It is the Federal Reserve Bank. They are borrowing this stimulus to the U.S. gov't at 6% interest rate, that is absolutely ridiculous! It's going to cost $900 Million dollars a year in interest to pay off this Stimulus Package, and that interest money goes to the federal reserve. Where is that money going to come from. We are pretty much to a point where we have fucked ourselves. We need a total reformation of this economy and of this government. Lets not forget while Tim Geithner was the head of the New York Fed last fall it was him and Ben Bernacke who suggested to Henry Paulson to do the Bush Bailout. It didn't do shit, and it just made the Federal Reserve and the bankers who run that bank a lot of money at taxpayer expense.

It is suppose to be a government of the people, by the people, and for the people. That is gone in America today. It is now a government of the economic elite, by the lawyers, and for the bankers. We are nothing more than mince meat to feed to the dogs. I really don't think the people who make the important decisions give a shit about the majority of the American people and the problems we face. To define a little more, Obama is not making important decisions, it's his puppetmasters the Democratic Party, the democrats more menacing siblings the Republican Party, and the goddam bankers who make the important decisions.

For me the root cause of all of the current problems going on in the America today stem from two things:

1. The Federal Reseve System

2. Our retched public education system

I find myself in times like these when I'm full of rage I think about leaving this shark tank we call America and living elsewhere. My problem is, I become full of rage because I see my America being tainted and disfigured, and I want America to be prosperous, but what can one do? I'm tired of these fat aristocrats making my beautiful country ugly and disfigured.

I wish I had something good to say about the government and the current state of America, instead of always criticizing it, but I can only say how I feel and what I see going on in America today.

My mom and my aunt both got laid off today from their respective jobs. I remember as a kid when my mom didn't have to work and stayed home and life was good, and now it's a point where she has to work to just stay afloat and is now afraid of sinking.

I want my house in the mountains. I want my cabin in Oregon or Northern Colorado and just get drunk, throw massive parties, connect to nature without billboards, freeways, and wal-marts, and just go crazy and be human. I want to live in America and not be stressed out anymore. Can I have all my civil rights now.