Downside UP, Upside Down

Aceeptance is such a crazy thing in this world. What does it matter to be accepted?

I feel so torn on the subject, because it's something I very much want and strive for yet like sometimes I wonder what it's all for.

It's unbelievable how fast acceptance can change and like why do people have such a hard time accepting others? The push for conformity and for likeness can really be a killer.

My dad told me tonite that I "failed at my obligations as a human being." I'm still reacting to that statement I guess.

I'm still searching for acceptance even though I don't know why I still try. The very few people that I know and trust and who do accept say I just need a change of scenary and I'm sure they are right. I don't know if Chicago is enough of a change anymore. I've been thinking maybe taking a sabbatical to Tangiers, Morocco for a while, maybe I could study North African music or Arabic style drumming or something. Romania has finally recognized the former Royal Family again, which I am related to and a distant descendant of so I've even thought of maybe checking out Bucharest and maybe I'd get some prospective of my life by seeing where at least some of my family came from. My family was booted out of Romania when the Royal Family was dethroned and removed so I've always felt a kinship to them because they were exiles and I very much feel like one.

I've been listening to The Futureheads a lot recently. One song I relate to that they play which is originally a Kath Bush song is "Hounds Of Love" and my favorite lyric from the song which sums up how I feel right now is:

"I found a fox, who was caught by dogs,
He let me take him in my hands
His little heart, it beat so fast
And I'm ashamed to be running away
From nothing real, i just can't deal with this
I feel ashamed to be there

Among your hounds of loving
And feel your arms surround me
I've always been a coward,
And i dont know what's good for me"

I don't feel lost, but I just feel kind of confused and vulnerable in the world.

As shitty and pinned down as I feel I still feel music and love will set me free and I am empowered by it, so i can still go to bed with a smile on my face regardless of my current situation.